Three months later…

After my epiphany in August, I got busy. Not your normal type of busy, but the type of busy where you just don’t want to move forward. I look back on my Facebook, blog, IG, etc posts and see where I’m wanting an inward change but, when it is time to really do it, REALLY do it, I freak out and shut down.

Is it the fact I am lazy, no because I really want this change. I want to be different. Is it the fact I cannot do it; no again I can do this. I’ve come to the conclusion, I’m scared. I am frightened to make these changes because they are so outside my comfort zone, err rut.

Is it because I care what people think? Nope, if I cared what people think I would have curled up into a ball at age 7 or 8 and died. Am I afraid of the work involved, no I think I kinda like that part.

I am afraid of failure, I’m really good at whatever I put my mind to. Not boastful, it is a simple truth. But, I think I am afraid of that one thing that I cannot master. Like running into one thing that I cannot do, what would happen? I really never wanted to find out.

Now, I find myself back here thinking of true mental change, and what I want, and I’m tired, not terrified. I am tired of being in the same place, on the cusp of change. I’m like Lysa Terkeurst when she was holding on wanting to jump, but afraid of the fall. She had a rope but, it did not feel like enough. But, she was and is more that enough. She is a powerful angel in the lives of so many. I WANT THAT!

I want someone to be inspired by my life, not look at it and see something mediocre. I want to be this beautiful flawed creature, that helps someone in pain fly. I want my pain, my past, my mistakes to be so meaningful they can not EVER be ignored.

Hooo RAR! Right? So now to begin. I have been working on some short stories about my youth for a book call SNF (So Not Fair). I think I am going to pick it back up and, write more. Maybe I will take time and think about how I want my impact, I had been terrified to post video’s but maybe now is the time to post something

And she grew

I looked out on my days, and saw that their were many. Many different kinds of days, some good some bad. But they were pretty even in distribution of good and bad. So why is it I recall more of the bad things than the countless good ones?

I think as a race humans focus on what stops us, what we trip on and those things that constantly get us down. Those things that keep us from enjoying the wonderful things around us. We literally say “Stop this is bad , now wallow in it” rather than the “Omg that’s bad get it away from me”. We want to understand where we went wrong, or were wronged so we can not feel that way again.

A lot of the time though, we get caught in that “wrong” we forget to learn. We sit down on the stump of pain and refuse to get up because we are afraid the next feeling or situation will be worse than this stump, and this stump did not kill us so why should we move? You don’t feel that way? It’s just me? Are you kidding me, come on you know you feel this way too.

It’s hard to get up, get over, crawl our of that disgusting pit of pain and heartache, but now that you know heartache, pain and the like you will seriously treasure and savor all the good relationships that come your way. You will hold on a bit tighter to those you have, those feelings you have , well as long as you let the pain and suffering go.

Pain and suffering are meant to teach us what NOT to do. They are only supposed to be felt BRIEFLY , not forever. I so miss this sometimes. I get down there and figure there is nothing else, no one else, and that life can never get better. But, I have a bunch of people and family around me who remind me just how wonderful life really is.

Lesson: Let pain be something temporary and small and something grasped then dropped, not something clung to as it is life.

Someday I’ll be a grown up, just not today =^.^=

2020 it!

This is my newest four letter word. And it beats the f— word with a brick and a grenade launcher.

This year started off with me being confined home, which I
did loyally for the first three months. I went no where, talked to no one really and did nothing. Then My uncle Raymond passed, and a week later my aunt Pauline. Suffer no illusion I love these two with all my heart. I had become distant in the last few years because the ache was too much to bear. I thought if I pushed myself away that the loss would be easier. I had been telling myself this since my Grand Mother (Great Grandma) died in 1997. Put distance between them and me good idea right? Wrong, but I digress.

The last of June I decided to go see my mother in law for a few days, she had been my mom longer than my mother was my mom, so I think we were kinda tight. On the way to see her I fell down the stairs, I mean I fell. My back was bruised black purple for a month, my tailbone hurt like crazy and it’s still swollen (it’s december ffs) but, it’s not getting worse and there is nothing that can be done so, I endure.

That brings me to September, David got Covid, I mean he was sick, not hospital sick but sick, I took care of him, and worked at the same time, and by some miracle he was the only one who got sick, and it only lasted a week about the average of a flu. Good right, I thought the worst was quite over, yea tempting fate you know?

In the last of November, my uncle fell, gashed his head, went to the hospital for stitches turns out he had Covid and he did not make it. Yes I loved that man he meant the world to me. He was the closest thing to my mother. He used to tell me stories about her, I didn’t see him as often as I should trying to shield myself from pain like an idiot. It didn’t work I hurt, oh my God did I hurt, it still hurts. During this fiasco my mother in law went in for a bypass. She never came out.

That is devastating, I’m taking a week off work and trying to get myself together. Lord it is not easy, it hurts. I have kept all this pain to myself and talked to VERY VERY few. One of my best friends called me today and made me realize this is a dragon I do not have to slay myself. I am sad, hurt, but really i’m okay. I know i’m going to make it. The only way to the other side is through….

To the people whom I have really not reached out to reading this i’m sorry. I did not want to bug, or over whelm. No, if it was reversed I would not have though that about you, but this is me it’s different right?

I keep coming to Dr Angelou…. Still…. I …. Rise

so my newest cursing/cuss word is 2020!