Three months later…

After my epiphany in August, I got busy. Not your normal type of busy, but the type of busy where you just don’t want to move forward. I look back on my Facebook, blog, IG, etc posts and see where I’m wanting an inward change but, when it is time to really do it, REALLY do it, I freak out and shut down.

Is it the fact I am lazy, no because I really want this change. I want to be different. Is it the fact I cannot do it; no again I can do this. I’ve come to the conclusion, I’m scared. I am frightened to make these changes because they are so outside my comfort zone, err rut.

Is it because I care what people think? Nope, if I cared what people think I would have curled up into a ball at age 7 or 8 and died. Am I afraid of the work involved, no I think I kinda like that part.

I am afraid of failure, I’m really good at whatever I put my mind to. Not boastful, it is a simple truth. But, I think I am afraid of that one thing that I cannot master. Like running into one thing that I cannot do, what would happen? I really never wanted to find out.

Now, I find myself back here thinking of true mental change, and what I want, and I’m tired, not terrified. I am tired of being in the same place, on the cusp of change. I’m like Lysa Terkeurst when she was holding on wanting to jump, but afraid of the fall. She had a rope but, it did not feel like enough. But, she was and is more that enough. She is a powerful angel in the lives of so many. I WANT THAT!

I want someone to be inspired by my life, not look at it and see something mediocre. I want to be this beautiful flawed creature, that helps someone in pain fly. I want my pain, my past, my mistakes to be so meaningful they can not EVER be ignored.

Hooo RAR! Right? So now to begin. I have been working on some short stories about my youth for a book call SNF (So Not Fair). I think I am going to pick it back up and, write more. Maybe I will take time and think about how I want my impact, I had been terrified to post video’s but maybe now is the time to post something

Getting back on the band wagon

So I used to… ever had a day like this? Where you are thinking about that time where you got in shape, where you started something that felt good, and that was good for you?

I have done that … A LOT, and I find myself on this last week of August doing it again. Sure my health isn’t perfect and maybe that is part of it, but really what is at the heart of it, is my soul. My heart, well both

I want to be at peace, so I have started my spiritual journey, made a few other kinds of decisions and today I did one of my favorite things. Swimming. I love to swim, about as much as I love to read, tea or chocolate.

And, boy did it feel good. I so enjoyed it, maybe it is the start of a new trend, maybe not. I am not going to stress myself out trying to figure it out. I am just going to take all of these decisions day by day, rather than putting out goals I know I cannot reach.

I will be sure to let you know how it goes.

The power of words

The power of words is amazing. But, more amazing than the power of words, is that pull, that draws to write them. I have been off school for 4 weeks, and I am having a meltdown. I see things every day that I say, I HAVE TO BLOG THAT! But, because I do not want to come off any weirder than I am presently so I don’t write them. I stuff them in my head in an area labeled, ” Don’t even THINK about posting that”.  Well, you only live once, so I believe you might see me post a bit more. My last post was in September, pathetic!! How will I ever gain millions of followers? Not like that assuredly.

I’ve read blogs, and so many things can make it successful. First, it has to SPEAK to someone. It has to have something meaningful and deep to say. ANYONE, who knows me knows this is something I can do. I have a talent, curse, ability to listen to a conversation and then jump in with a thought that takes it down four rabbit holes, 2 moles holes, and 5 pastures. Usually, sometimes, well I think it’s a valid point and, for some reason, it has to be heard.

Anyone who has been around me any length of time knows that I sometimes overshare. It’s not that I have an innate need to be accepted or liked, or even understood. It is that simply that part of my soul has thrown down a gauntlet and pushed that small ribbon of words out of my mouth. Usually, it is because I think someone else might feel the way I do, but won’t say it? No? Um, I think that the point is valid and might make deep meaningful conversation? No? Ok, okay, the truth is I just feel and it flies out of my mouth. Where does that leave you and me? I have no idea we will see if I put my best foot forward and actually post more.

 

Much <3,

 

 

You made that decision…

Let me tell you the situation. Just… let me TELL you! I was having a hard day, things were starting to close in and I was feeling just a little bit, stressed. I was driving in my car, listening to the plight of the teenager, and how difficult life is for them. I was listening to how school is hard, and how relationships are trying.

-insert eye twitch-

I began to tell said nameless teenage daughter who will remain nameless, that I too have school and I am going to school with student loans. Said nameless child said these words to me, “You made that choice.”

-insert blink-

I would like to say that it ended there, nope it continued. “You made the choice to wait until your kids were grown to go to school . . .”, she continued however I could not. My mind was reeling. “Are You Kidding Me?”. Well, that really was not what I was thinking but I am trying to refrain from using profanity, as one other daughter has expressed she does not like that type of language. Anywho, back to the matter at hand.

I took about five breaths before speaking. For the simple fact that I was prepared to channel my mother and knock said nameless child though her next three lifetimes, but be proud, I did not. I just sat there and thought. And, answered that question. “Yes, I did!” I did put my education and everything that I wanted to accomplish as a adult on hold for my kids.

I guess what got me was that those 4 words felt like a punch to my soul. It felt like , “You didn’t have to”, “No one asked you to”, you get the idea. And, she was right. No, I did not have to do what I did, but I did. Sure this child and I had a long Come to Jesus, talk about why she said what she did, and how it made me feel. And, how what I said made her feel and why I said what I did. Because, it seems that what I had said to her made her feel like she was unimportant.

We both ended up coming away with a better perspective of how the other felt. Our communication is a lot better after this incident. We still have screaming matches, we still bicker, we are WAY too much alike for everything to be hunky dory 24/7, but we are friends, now. It’s a work in progress to make friends with your adult children of whom I have three. It’s not easy and, even when they are adults you still feel like you fail them everyday, but it’s so worth it.

My mom always told me, I cannot be your friend I’m your mom. While I get why she said this, I have never agreed with it. Your best friends, those who really care for you, are the first ones to pull out the mother attitude and tell you about yourself. They are the ones who care about you enough to tell you the truth when no one else will. I love friends like these. Do you?