Three months later…

After my epiphany in August, I got busy. Not your normal type of busy, but the type of busy where you just don’t want to move forward. I look back on my Facebook, blog, IG, etc posts and see where I’m wanting an inward change but, when it is time to really do it, REALLY do it, I freak out and shut down.

Is it the fact I am lazy, no because I really want this change. I want to be different. Is it the fact I cannot do it; no again I can do this. I’ve come to the conclusion, I’m scared. I am frightened to make these changes because they are so outside my comfort zone, err rut.

Is it because I care what people think? Nope, if I cared what people think I would have curled up into a ball at age 7 or 8 and died. Am I afraid of the work involved, no I think I kinda like that part.

I am afraid of failure, I’m really good at whatever I put my mind to. Not boastful, it is a simple truth. But, I think I am afraid of that one thing that I cannot master. Like running into one thing that I cannot do, what would happen? I really never wanted to find out.

Now, I find myself back here thinking of true mental change, and what I want, and I’m tired, not terrified. I am tired of being in the same place, on the cusp of change. I’m like Lysa Terkeurst when she was holding on wanting to jump, but afraid of the fall. She had a rope but, it did not feel like enough. But, she was and is more that enough. She is a powerful angel in the lives of so many. I WANT THAT!

I want someone to be inspired by my life, not look at it and see something mediocre. I want to be this beautiful flawed creature, that helps someone in pain fly. I want my pain, my past, my mistakes to be so meaningful they can not EVER be ignored.

Hooo RAR! Right? So now to begin. I have been working on some short stories about my youth for a book call SNF (So Not Fair). I think I am going to pick it back up and, write more. Maybe I will take time and think about how I want my impact, I had been terrified to post video’s but maybe now is the time to post something

Getting back on the band wagon

So I used to… ever had a day like this? Where you are thinking about that time where you got in shape, where you started something that felt good, and that was good for you?

I have done that … A LOT, and I find myself on this last week of August doing it again. Sure my health isn’t perfect and maybe that is part of it, but really what is at the heart of it, is my soul. My heart, well both

I want to be at peace, so I have started my spiritual journey, made a few other kinds of decisions and today I did one of my favorite things. Swimming. I love to swim, about as much as I love to read, tea or chocolate.

And, boy did it feel good. I so enjoyed it, maybe it is the start of a new trend, maybe not. I am not going to stress myself out trying to figure it out. I am just going to take all of these decisions day by day, rather than putting out goals I know I cannot reach.

I will be sure to let you know how it goes.

And she grew

I looked out on my days, and saw that their were many. Many different kinds of days, some good some bad. But they were pretty even in distribution of good and bad. So why is it I recall more of the bad things than the countless good ones?

I think as a race humans focus on what stops us, what we trip on and those things that constantly get us down. Those things that keep us from enjoying the wonderful things around us. We literally say “Stop this is bad , now wallow in it” rather than the “Omg that’s bad get it away from me”. We want to understand where we went wrong, or were wronged so we can not feel that way again.

A lot of the time though, we get caught in that “wrong” we forget to learn. We sit down on the stump of pain and refuse to get up because we are afraid the next feeling or situation will be worse than this stump, and this stump did not kill us so why should we move? You don’t feel that way? It’s just me? Are you kidding me, come on you know you feel this way too.

It’s hard to get up, get over, crawl our of that disgusting pit of pain and heartache, but now that you know heartache, pain and the like you will seriously treasure and savor all the good relationships that come your way. You will hold on a bit tighter to those you have, those feelings you have , well as long as you let the pain and suffering go.

Pain and suffering are meant to teach us what NOT to do. They are only supposed to be felt BRIEFLY , not forever. I so miss this sometimes. I get down there and figure there is nothing else, no one else, and that life can never get better. But, I have a bunch of people and family around me who remind me just how wonderful life really is.

Lesson: Let pain be something temporary and small and something grasped then dropped, not something clung to as it is life.

Someday I’ll be a grown up, just not today =^.^=

Outta my way!

How many times do you get in the own way of your happiness? How about how many times to your trip yourself up on the things you over analyze? Or, then there is kneecapping yourself because you are afraid of what might be around the corner so you don’t even attempt to go around the corner?

As I get closer to my birthday, the more I think about where I wanted to go that I have never been. Last year I put out a list, and because of world events, I didn’t get anywhere. I have gotten a bit healthier, and I have taken better care of my mental health but I see so many places I can approve. Then I stop myself.

Who said I have to be perfect? Who said I have to know where I am going? Isn’t half the fun getting there? Why am I putting myself in a box to where I have to be specific. Why in the wide world can I not be my own mess and be okay with that? As long as I am healthy and reasonably happy isn’t that what the goal of life is? To be as good as you can be? To strive for better BUT! not to overwhelm yourself to the point that you are only concerned with being perfect and you miss how wonderful you are as an individual.

Those things that make me think and wonder why in the H E double LL I do this to myself.

Bleh, time for a plot twist and a paradigm shift!

Put your left foot in, Pull your left foot out…

Okay, so maybe you will have the hokey-pokey in your head for a while, but that is how I feel. Let me explain.

I adore magazines, all of them! I have probably a foot tall pile every month. It’s my chakra, my relaxation. It is just “my thing”. I will play a wonderful movie and flip pages for hours. Here is where my feet come into play. I feel like I need to go to all digital editions, and give up my paper. One foot in the present and one in the past. I cannot help it, I’m so conflicted!

I don’t use DVD’s (I have streaming from my cable provider, hulu, amazon prime, apple movies, and Netflix!), so I’m hip deep in the present for that. Although if I cannot access my subscriptions I get a bit grouchy! But, to give up my Magazines?? I am not sure I possess the willpower. I have the online versions too, but I still relax with paper. There is just something about flipping those pages. What is a girl to do?

P.s. I don’t throw them away, I did once, it was horrible I sent boxes to the recycle bin, I cried. I just cannot do it. If you ever need a 2014 Vogue I’m your girl! Sometimes, I think that we have become a bit too digitized and we need to be more hands on with things. Well that and I cannot make myself part with them 😉

Xoxo Wendy

When is enough?s

How many times in your life have you decided how you were and what you were doing were just not how you should be? How many times in your life have you decided to change that? Lots, once? For me, it’s LOTS. Every time I turn around I get, you should do this not that. Be like this, not that. That is not healthy stop it! I’m at the point that I really am saying, “Are you kidding me”?

I watched Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle yesterday and it made me think, it had a reoccurring theme. One life, just one. We all have just one life. I am always kicking myself for the things I think I should be doing, places I should be going, and the habits I should be breaking, but don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a lot of progress. I quit smoking, I’ve lost a little poundage, made a few baby steps into being a social butterfly. Point is while I’m kicking my own butt, I really am quite okay. And, that is what we all want to be, okay.

I made the Deans list last semester, and it almost killed me. But, I did it and it’s going on my resume. Along with being an honor society Greek girl. I think my problem is I don’t stop long enough to evaluate where I have come from. I think my problem is I’m so focused on getting to the finish line, looking ahead, I don’t appreciate the journey.

That journey is the point. And, I will tell you I’m not digging it. I am kicking my own butt, and being horrible to everyone (sorry btw), and just being miserable. So, sigh… chalk up another habit that needs to go the way of the dodo. It’s okay though, This might be a fun one to break. I posted a picture of Wednesday Adams as my spirt animal yesterday, it was meant to make people laugh. But, it’s true, I do not smile, and that needs to change, soon. Maybe not today, but slowly I will do this.

Does anyone else have this issue? Or, is it just me?

😉 Loves and Kisses,

This is my happy face …. for now 😉