Three months later…

After my epiphany in August, I got busy. Not your normal type of busy, but the type of busy where you just don’t want to move forward. I look back on my Facebook, blog, IG, etc posts and see where I’m wanting an inward change but, when it is time to really do it, REALLY do it, I freak out and shut down.

Is it the fact I am lazy, no because I really want this change. I want to be different. Is it the fact I cannot do it; no again I can do this. I’ve come to the conclusion, I’m scared. I am frightened to make these changes because they are so outside my comfort zone, err rut.

Is it because I care what people think? Nope, if I cared what people think I would have curled up into a ball at age 7 or 8 and died. Am I afraid of the work involved, no I think I kinda like that part.

I am afraid of failure, I’m really good at whatever I put my mind to. Not boastful, it is a simple truth. But, I think I am afraid of that one thing that I cannot master. Like running into one thing that I cannot do, what would happen? I really never wanted to find out.

Now, I find myself back here thinking of true mental change, and what I want, and I’m tired, not terrified. I am tired of being in the same place, on the cusp of change. I’m like Lysa Terkeurst when she was holding on wanting to jump, but afraid of the fall. She had a rope but, it did not feel like enough. But, she was and is more that enough. She is a powerful angel in the lives of so many. I WANT THAT!

I want someone to be inspired by my life, not look at it and see something mediocre. I want to be this beautiful flawed creature, that helps someone in pain fly. I want my pain, my past, my mistakes to be so meaningful they can not EVER be ignored.

Hooo RAR! Right? So now to begin. I have been working on some short stories about my youth for a book call SNF (So Not Fair). I think I am going to pick it back up and, write more. Maybe I will take time and think about how I want my impact, I had been terrified to post video’s but maybe now is the time to post something

Getting back on the band wagon

So I used to… ever had a day like this? Where you are thinking about that time where you got in shape, where you started something that felt good, and that was good for you?

I have done that … A LOT, and I find myself on this last week of August doing it again. Sure my health isn’t perfect and maybe that is part of it, but really what is at the heart of it, is my soul. My heart, well both

I want to be at peace, so I have started my spiritual journey, made a few other kinds of decisions and today I did one of my favorite things. Swimming. I love to swim, about as much as I love to read, tea or chocolate.

And, boy did it feel good. I so enjoyed it, maybe it is the start of a new trend, maybe not. I am not going to stress myself out trying to figure it out. I am just going to take all of these decisions day by day, rather than putting out goals I know I cannot reach.

I will be sure to let you know how it goes.

Monday Musing- Hot day in June

Well, I guess I cannot deny it any longer. Summer WEATHER is here. It’s Kansas City in Summer which means one thing, humidity. Thank the ever living LORD for A/C. Honestly, it makes this time of year bearable. Knowing you can go play out in the heat and, then can jump into a nice cool home. Not, everyone has A/C some people have to brave the heat, and my prayers are with them. Weather can be so dangerous without looking dangerous you know what I mean?

You think August as the hottest days, and that is not true. Whenever all that southern heat decides to invade us northerners it gets uncomfortable. I know my Oklahoma and Texas friends are looking at my post thinking that I don’t know what true heat misery is. Nope I do not and I dun wanna.

I wanna be cool, I love snow! I like Fall, Spring and Winter. All right, I like Summer and the warmth a lot more than I used to. I liked it when I was a kid when I could stay in a pool 24/7 and keep cool that way. That was always the best part of being a latch key kid at the Nor Valley YMCA (gone now but not forgotten). Oh, what was I talking about? Summer, right!

OH I took a summer pic this morning, no makeup but, otherwise pretty cool I think, yea i need to get the brows tamed a bit, maybe! But the point is that i’m here and healthy enough to post. Sometimes I miss that, I want perfection, and that is just not a reality! Self love #loveme

Just Because… Should You?

Okay, here is the disclaimer… I DO THIS, not the point of this post. This post is to perhaps open someone’s mind, even mine, to change! So no hate mail saying “BUT you did that last week”

Here we go. I have been telling my girls the last few years, “Just because you know it’s true, does not mean it should fly out of your mouth. ” I know your thinking, but uh sure it should. But, really should it?

Think about all the fights you have been in all the arguments, the one consistent thing was that you were trying to convince them that what you think is right, but what you probably don’t get in these situations and what we all miss, that is also what the other person is trying to do.

Think about it, Your view is your view, it’s a personal theory about subject matter based on your experience. Think about this, it’s the same for the other person in the argument. They are thinking the same mechanics you are. I know this is true because of this experience, and that solved problem, etc.

Also, if you find someone who is hot on the other side, or you are, they are NOT listening to you. They have but one mission, one purpose, one mission in that argument, to be right, to be the victor! Honestly, when we (and yes ME) are in this mode, we are NOT listening. So the point to consider is when you realize you are in this situation what do you do?

Best Case – stop and tell the other person you are in that situation and see if they will also calm themselves enough to have a lighter conversation

Next Best – make a joke and try and lighten the mood, sometimes this works others it makes more issues

What I do- run and hide and don’t engage in the conversation, to begin with!

All kidding aside, the best we can all do is try and realize that if two people are in an argument, try and find a middle ground.

And, honestly, sometimes you have to gauge the relationship, what matters most the argument? (continue on :/) Or the person? If it is the person you have to concede defeat EVEN if you are not wrong and let them have it. perhaps you can fight again under better terms and conditions.

I know not a really positive outcome but, you live and you still have your friend. Right?

…Happy

… Happy, really are you kidding me? What does that even mean?

The more I look into this vague word, the more I learn this answer is different for everyone.

Money, fame, etc, and so on. but, is that happy?

The more I think about it the more tired I get. The more anxiety grabs hold and won’t let go. Is happy supposed to be elusive? HA! It is or is it?

Another thing I’m learning is that it depends on your point of view. What you see your world is, determines your attitude to it. That sounds like a quote doesn’t it? I googled it and could not really find an owner so if you find one let me know otherwise, “I claim this quote for the planet Mars!” or wait that’s Marvin the Martian.

But, the quote is true. If you see your day is bad, it’s very likely it will be. If you see your day slipping and you slip with it, you will go cascading down the spiral mudslide like Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. At the end, one thought it was a good ride and the other was traumatized. It is all .. .really all in how you look at it.

I read a devotion this morning about a woman who lost her house to a fire. Life-changing yes, traumatic yes sir! But, it was a positive experience for her. She saw it as freeing. A change to start again. I AM NOT THAT BRAVE!

Or, am I ? I look back at the experiences in my life and although I did wallow in some circumstances, I did not wallow in all. In fact, in the end, I did not wallow in any. I picked myself up, or was pulled up, or pulled kicking and screaming but, I did it.

None of it was easy. But, anything in life worth doing is never easy, (I know that one is a quote).

Oh right, a point! I knew I had one!

What was it? Life is what you make it? No, that’s not it? Life is how you see it? Maybe, that was it?

Honestly, life is what you think plus what you see divided by reality. What you see plus what you think divided by what is actually there gives you life. That sounds like a good place to start. What about what you feel? And, how about what you do? It gets all jumbled, doesn’t it?

How about happiness in life is what you feel plus how you look at the situations in that life. Rather than trying to complicate it with all the outside forces how about, we figure happy as to how I feel and what I see? And, then we realize that the feeling of happy is specific to us at this second on this planet.

Meaning that happy is not universal, and there is no one size fits all. I think that we are on to something with it. Happy is a very very personal thing. I don’t think you could ever really share your version of happy with anyone else. I think we should enjoy our version of happy anyway we can take it. Maybe it’s a brief second of a sunrise, a cup of really good tea (ok, coffee), or the purr of a cat, a yip of a dog and anything in between.

You find your happy and enjoy it, I know i’m going to enjoy mine. May you have several happy’s today!!

PS Grammarly wanted to change my happy to happiness, I don’t think that is right I want one instance of happy to enjoy at a time, so I know that it IS happiness. Then I can move on the more than one happiness of life!!

Your opinion could be right….

I saw a cartoon in the paper the other day that had an old man labeled 2021 walking out and a baby in a whirlwind trying to hang on. The caption said something to the effect of “hang on kid”. It was in the KC Star, probably on a political page. One thing I did in 2021 is get a print subscription to the paper. It is pretty expensive, but it is very worth it. It would pay for itself if I used the coupons which is what I intended to do, one of the many reasons I started taking the paper. Another reason was to try and get a full snapshot of what is going on.

So many times we watch the news and read the paper and we forget that these programs are the viewpoints of others. When someone is reporting the news they are doing it through the lens of their life. Their viewpoint. We all need to remember, that the viewpoint being offered might not be the one we really want with that being said, here is the following.

I have agreed with Anderson Cooper, with Tucker Carlson, with Abraham Lincoln, with Stonewall Jackson, with Maya Angelou (I tend to agree with her more than anyone except Pope Benedict), and so on. The point is that not every person is completely evil, nor are people completely good. We are all fallible human beings, prone to utter things based on things we have learned in our lives.

No, I do believe there is evil in this world, and I believe there are wonderful people too. I think the choices you make are evil or good, not you, yourself. So what is the point of this? Simple, our viewpoint is based on our life experience. If you find someone who has a different viewpoint than you do, you should ask them why they believe the way they do, and then actually sit and listen. More than likely if you had the life that person had, you would believe the way they do. But, you haven’t, true. You could also respect that person’s life.

So many times in this world we sit back and down others saying that they are wrong. Which they are wrong, from our point of view. Also, you are wrong from their point of view. That does not mean that you cannot listen and glean something from what they feel is true. You just have to want to. Most of us don’t. I don’t either most of the time if I’m honest. I like being right, I like having the knowledge, it feels well powerful. It really doesn’t mean I’m powerful it just means I know a lot. To all those I’ve acted superior to, I dreadfully apologize, and I concede you are right.

Maybe that is the point, to grow and understand. To realize that your viewpoint is not really the right one, maybe there is no right one. Maybe it is only an opinion with what is right, right now. Tomorrow with new information it might change. It makes me scratch my head and sit back bewildered asking “Are you kidding me?”

Maybe I do need to go to law school …lol

And she grew

I looked out on my days, and saw that their were many. Many different kinds of days, some good some bad. But they were pretty even in distribution of good and bad. So why is it I recall more of the bad things than the countless good ones?

I think as a race humans focus on what stops us, what we trip on and those things that constantly get us down. Those things that keep us from enjoying the wonderful things around us. We literally say “Stop this is bad , now wallow in it” rather than the “Omg that’s bad get it away from me”. We want to understand where we went wrong, or were wronged so we can not feel that way again.

A lot of the time though, we get caught in that “wrong” we forget to learn. We sit down on the stump of pain and refuse to get up because we are afraid the next feeling or situation will be worse than this stump, and this stump did not kill us so why should we move? You don’t feel that way? It’s just me? Are you kidding me, come on you know you feel this way too.

It’s hard to get up, get over, crawl our of that disgusting pit of pain and heartache, but now that you know heartache, pain and the like you will seriously treasure and savor all the good relationships that come your way. You will hold on a bit tighter to those you have, those feelings you have , well as long as you let the pain and suffering go.

Pain and suffering are meant to teach us what NOT to do. They are only supposed to be felt BRIEFLY , not forever. I so miss this sometimes. I get down there and figure there is nothing else, no one else, and that life can never get better. But, I have a bunch of people and family around me who remind me just how wonderful life really is.

Lesson: Let pain be something temporary and small and something grasped then dropped, not something clung to as it is life.

Someday I’ll be a grown up, just not today =^.^=

Bat Cap Crazy

I had a dream last night where someone I admired called me Bat Cap Crazy. I woke up with this unsettling notion about myself and, have been thinking about it ever since.

Am I crazy? Should I go get tested? The more I think about it the more I realize i’m not like anyone else, i’m quite unique. I think and understand things on a whole new level. Most of the time people i’m close to get me. (Or they love me enough to pretend that they do <3)

Others do not. And, I am beginning to understand today that, that notion is not about me. What it really is about is them. They do not have the mental space, are tired, or generally don’t care about “getting me”. And, that is very much okay. Because, I realize that there are eons of people in the world that i’m that way about. Doesn’t mean they are nuts. or weird, it just means I don’t have the strength to get them at this point.

Maybe next year i’ll have the mental space to “get” them and them me. But, right now I think we are still trying to hang on to life with cat claws. I read what I wrote about the virus last year, omg that was wishful thinking. All the people who have gotten sick my heart and bones bleed for them. I had serious delusions of grander, but that is okay a lot of people did. A lot of people hoped for the best and had the rug yanked out from under them. It will be okay, even if it’s not okay.

In conclusion I think we are all bat cap crazy at least once a day 😉

2020 it!

This is my newest four letter word. And it beats the f— word with a brick and a grenade launcher.

This year started off with me being confined home, which I
did loyally for the first three months. I went no where, talked to no one really and did nothing. Then My uncle Raymond passed, and a week later my aunt Pauline. Suffer no illusion I love these two with all my heart. I had become distant in the last few years because the ache was too much to bear. I thought if I pushed myself away that the loss would be easier. I had been telling myself this since my Grand Mother (Great Grandma) died in 1997. Put distance between them and me good idea right? Wrong, but I digress.

The last of June I decided to go see my mother in law for a few days, she had been my mom longer than my mother was my mom, so I think we were kinda tight. On the way to see her I fell down the stairs, I mean I fell. My back was bruised black purple for a month, my tailbone hurt like crazy and it’s still swollen (it’s december ffs) but, it’s not getting worse and there is nothing that can be done so, I endure.

That brings me to September, David got Covid, I mean he was sick, not hospital sick but sick, I took care of him, and worked at the same time, and by some miracle he was the only one who got sick, and it only lasted a week about the average of a flu. Good right, I thought the worst was quite over, yea tempting fate you know?

In the last of November, my uncle fell, gashed his head, went to the hospital for stitches turns out he had Covid and he did not make it. Yes I loved that man he meant the world to me. He was the closest thing to my mother. He used to tell me stories about her, I didn’t see him as often as I should trying to shield myself from pain like an idiot. It didn’t work I hurt, oh my God did I hurt, it still hurts. During this fiasco my mother in law went in for a bypass. She never came out.

That is devastating, I’m taking a week off work and trying to get myself together. Lord it is not easy, it hurts. I have kept all this pain to myself and talked to VERY VERY few. One of my best friends called me today and made me realize this is a dragon I do not have to slay myself. I am sad, hurt, but really i’m okay. I know i’m going to make it. The only way to the other side is through….

To the people whom I have really not reached out to reading this i’m sorry. I did not want to bug, or over whelm. No, if it was reversed I would not have though that about you, but this is me it’s different right?

I keep coming to Dr Angelou…. Still…. I …. Rise

so my newest cursing/cuss word is 2020!

Outta my way!

How many times do you get in the own way of your happiness? How about how many times to your trip yourself up on the things you over analyze? Or, then there is kneecapping yourself because you are afraid of what might be around the corner so you don’t even attempt to go around the corner?

As I get closer to my birthday, the more I think about where I wanted to go that I have never been. Last year I put out a list, and because of world events, I didn’t get anywhere. I have gotten a bit healthier, and I have taken better care of my mental health but I see so many places I can approve. Then I stop myself.

Who said I have to be perfect? Who said I have to know where I am going? Isn’t half the fun getting there? Why am I putting myself in a box to where I have to be specific. Why in the wide world can I not be my own mess and be okay with that? As long as I am healthy and reasonably happy isn’t that what the goal of life is? To be as good as you can be? To strive for better BUT! not to overwhelm yourself to the point that you are only concerned with being perfect and you miss how wonderful you are as an individual.

Those things that make me think and wonder why in the H E double LL I do this to myself.

Bleh, time for a plot twist and a paradigm shift!