Bat Cap Crazy

I had a dream last night where someone I admired called me Bat Cap Crazy. I woke up with this unsettling notion about myself and, have been thinking about it ever since.

Am I crazy? Should I go get tested? The more I think about it the more I realize i’m not like anyone else, i’m quite unique. I think and understand things on a whole new level. Most of the time people i’m close to get me. (Or they love me enough to pretend that they do <3)

Others do not. And, I am beginning to understand today that, that notion is not about me. What it really is about is them. They do not have the mental space, are tired, or generally don’t care about “getting me”. And, that is very much okay. Because, I realize that there are eons of people in the world that i’m that way about. Doesn’t mean they are nuts. or weird, it just means I don’t have the strength to get them at this point.

Maybe next year i’ll have the mental space to “get” them and them me. But, right now I think we are still trying to hang on to life with cat claws. I read what I wrote about the virus last year, omg that was wishful thinking. All the people who have gotten sick my heart and bones bleed for them. I had serious delusions of grander, but that is okay a lot of people did. A lot of people hoped for the best and had the rug yanked out from under them. It will be okay, even if it’s not okay.

In conclusion I think we are all bat cap crazy at least once a day 😉

2020 it!

This is my newest four letter word. And it beats the f— word with a brick and a grenade launcher.

This year started off with me being confined home, which I
did loyally for the first three months. I went no where, talked to no one really and did nothing. Then My uncle Raymond passed, and a week later my aunt Pauline. Suffer no illusion I love these two with all my heart. I had become distant in the last few years because the ache was too much to bear. I thought if I pushed myself away that the loss would be easier. I had been telling myself this since my Grand Mother (Great Grandma) died in 1997. Put distance between them and me good idea right? Wrong, but I digress.

The last of June I decided to go see my mother in law for a few days, she had been my mom longer than my mother was my mom, so I think we were kinda tight. On the way to see her I fell down the stairs, I mean I fell. My back was bruised black purple for a month, my tailbone hurt like crazy and it’s still swollen (it’s december ffs) but, it’s not getting worse and there is nothing that can be done so, I endure.

That brings me to September, David got Covid, I mean he was sick, not hospital sick but sick, I took care of him, and worked at the same time, and by some miracle he was the only one who got sick, and it only lasted a week about the average of a flu. Good right, I thought the worst was quite over, yea tempting fate you know?

In the last of November, my uncle fell, gashed his head, went to the hospital for stitches turns out he had Covid and he did not make it. Yes I loved that man he meant the world to me. He was the closest thing to my mother. He used to tell me stories about her, I didn’t see him as often as I should trying to shield myself from pain like an idiot. It didn’t work I hurt, oh my God did I hurt, it still hurts. During this fiasco my mother in law went in for a bypass. She never came out.

That is devastating, I’m taking a week off work and trying to get myself together. Lord it is not easy, it hurts. I have kept all this pain to myself and talked to VERY VERY few. One of my best friends called me today and made me realize this is a dragon I do not have to slay myself. I am sad, hurt, but really i’m okay. I know i’m going to make it. The only way to the other side is through….

To the people whom I have really not reached out to reading this i’m sorry. I did not want to bug, or over whelm. No, if it was reversed I would not have though that about you, but this is me it’s different right?

I keep coming to Dr Angelou…. Still…. I …. Rise

so my newest cursing/cuss word is 2020!

May 1st

I have not written in a while. Mainly because my mother always said, “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all”. I have been very frustrated with the way thing have been. Let me give you my thinking and then you can pound sand because, this is how I feel :d

1. COVID strains have been around for a very long time. And, most people have at least one strain somewhere in their body. Which means this is nothing new. The problem comes in this is a difficult strain. From my understanding imagine a normal strep infection, this strain would be the drug resistant super bug we hear about all the time.
2. SARS and the Flu seem to be a bigger problem than COVID, they kill more people. Right? If you are a numbers person yes. If you are in healthcare, not so much. This strain this sickness, is amazingly able to take a perfectly healthy person no matter what age and knock them on a ventilator.
3. Everyone is rushing to get a vaccine so we can get back to normal. I urge caution, Slow and steady wins the race fast and rushed you break your leg, or end up killing more people. Just be careful please!!
4. COVID has killed people I love, sickened family members and scared the shit out of me. But, I have decided not to let it rule my life. I don’t want to live in fear. So I will sew me a mask and start living life outside my house.

I really hope everyone reading this is well and good.

A note about Depression

I really don’t know what your life is like, but mine is a bit complicated. I have a chemical imbalance, which makes me very weak to depression. I have to be very very careful. And, since I have this battle and I have found a few things that work for me, maybe they will work for you, while you battle Cabin Fever.

1. Exercise. I have to, HAVE to work out at least once a day, more if I can. When the world was different I used to swim, now I bounce on a ball and Ride an exercise bike.
2. Blog. The more I write on here the better I feel. I take a chance putting my thoughts out there for the world to see, but I find it very positive in my well being. Just getting it out helps. I also Journal.
3. Keep a Planner. Write down what you do so you can reflect and understand you just did not stay in your PJ’s all day.
4. Put your shoes on. Even if you don’t go anywhere. It helps with a mind set.

These are basics, let me know if you have any to add just comment below.

What I tell myself

When I was young and going though hard things, I told myself to get up, and educate myself. So, I read and I got though those hard things and grew up. About 6 months ago, I decided my body was a mess. I got on a treadmill and started running 3 miles a day, then switched to swimming a mile and a half. I would get to that point where I would be down, and wanting to give up. I would visualize myself crying laying down wanting to quit. Then I would imagine myself, my soul yelling at the crying figure GET UP, GET UP, you can do this. YOU ARE ALMOST THERE, GET UP. And, my little crying self would get up and finish and feel so much better for doing it. Silly Story? Perhaps.

Isn’t this how we all feel, like giving up, blaming everyone else for this mess? Why not instead of pointing fingers we GET UP educate and go on? It’s hard, damn right, anything else would not be worth it. You can lay in the ditch and scream and point fingers but, you will have to get up eventually and educate yourself. Why not now? Sure sitting in the ditch is easy, but, it might kill you. Don’t do that!

GET UP!!!

How do you handle a new world paradigm?

I’m not really sure, I don’t think we are at a point as a civilization to where we can adequately scope this question. We are still in the messy part where we are trying to figure out who is where, and exactly what the problems are. We know the crisis yes, but do we know anything besides that. I don’t think so. I think we are trying to get a head of it and are starting to make progress but, we have a while before we are really going to know what the time length on things are.

Myself, i’m trying to continue on with my life with as little interruption as possible. I am very glad I decided to take a semester off college. I only have three classes left and i’m glad I can worry about them next fall, rather than through this. It’s amazing how sometimes we make the right decisions and don’t even get it till a long time later.

❤

Somedays…

There are those days where you get out of bed with great determination and it lasts, and lasts and lasts. Oh wait, you either. Yea I know right! While today was not in the 8th circle of hell it sure the hell felt like we were in Egypt during a plague. Oh wait, we are in the middle of the plague but, we cannot see Egypt from here …… damn….. Maybe, I should start again…

You know when you get up and you think it’s going to be a great day? Oh right, me either.

Okay, realism. You knew you were going to wake up. HA! I got one positive thing there, let’s go for another. You are alive reading this, HA there is two. For the third, how about I am really grateful that you did take time out of your day to read this. I don’t know how many or how few actually read blogs like mine, I don’t give you anything, or make promises. I just try to give some enlightenment, or share what i’m thinking at the time. So, I’m glad you are here, wait, let me rephrase, I’m glad you are over there ;).

Drinks soon!

❤

Positive Thinking

“The way we think dictates our behavior”..Pastor Richard Young said these words this morning. As soon as they were in my ears I felt like I had been hit over the head with a clue. It’s true, a very, very wonderful friend asked me, “How are you dealing with this?”. She asked because with the news comes anxiety, hate, fear and everything else, along with good information. What’s the balance. I told her I look once a day and try not to become overwhelmed. I protect my self the best I can and look for the positive things. I’m not very successful if i’m honest. But, the point is I KEEP trying . So here are my tips for trying to keep yourself from falling apart.

1. LIMIT your exposure to the news. you do NOT have to watch every news conference, read an article instead of watching so you re not swayed by the emotions that are playing out on TV
2. Find something that makes you laugh, and watch, read, enjoy it at LEAST once a day, maybe more.
3. Eat healthy, try and limit (note I said TRY) bad things, comfort foods, but seriously we all have to cope with the odd Oreo or cocktail.
4. Seek professional help. There ARE people who will help you, if you find yourself overwhelmed use Teladoc, or some equally wonderful program which will put you in touch with someone who will listen.
5. Do not cut your hair we are none of us that desperate …. yet

❤

Social Distancing

Does anyone know how hard this is for me? I seriously am a hugger. It’s so sad :/, personal contact is one of those things that makes me feel connected to others. So while i’m in the ninth circle of hell those who don’t like touching are having the time of their lives. What do I say to that? It can’t last forever. And, when this is over, be prepared i’m comin for my cuddles!!

Online Shopping

Quick! Show of hands of those who have not bought something online in the last 7 days, what no one? Yea well me either, I am doing my retail therapy from my couch. Some are necessities this is true, but some are not. I am trying to what what I spend, I think we all are. I am also trying to support those who have Etsy shops simply because, this might be something that they normally do on the side, but now it’s their only way to make ends meet. As the lawmakers battle out help for all of us on the government floor, we are still holding on in our homes.