And she grew

I looked out on my days, and saw that their were many. Many different kinds of days, some good some bad. But they were pretty even in distribution of good and bad. So why is it I recall more of the bad things than the countless good ones?

I think as a race humans focus on what stops us, what we trip on and those things that constantly get us down. Those things that keep us from enjoying the wonderful things around us. We literally say “Stop this is bad , now wallow in it” rather than the “Omg that’s bad get it away from me”. We want to understand where we went wrong, or were wronged so we can not feel that way again.

A lot of the time though, we get caught in that “wrong” we forget to learn. We sit down on the stump of pain and refuse to get up because we are afraid the next feeling or situation will be worse than this stump, and this stump did not kill us so why should we move? You don’t feel that way? It’s just me? Are you kidding me, come on you know you feel this way too.

It’s hard to get up, get over, crawl our of that disgusting pit of pain and heartache, but now that you know heartache, pain and the like you will seriously treasure and savor all the good relationships that come your way. You will hold on a bit tighter to those you have, those feelings you have , well as long as you let the pain and suffering go.

Pain and suffering are meant to teach us what NOT to do. They are only supposed to be felt BRIEFLY , not forever. I so miss this sometimes. I get down there and figure there is nothing else, no one else, and that life can never get better. But, I have a bunch of people and family around me who remind me just how wonderful life really is.

Lesson: Let pain be something temporary and small and something grasped then dropped, not something clung to as it is life.

Someday I’ll be a grown up, just not today =^.^=

Bat Cap Crazy

I had a dream last night where someone I admired called me Bat Cap Crazy. I woke up with this unsettling notion about myself and, have been thinking about it ever since.

Am I crazy? Should I go get tested? The more I think about it the more I realize i’m not like anyone else, i’m quite unique. I think and understand things on a whole new level. Most of the time people i’m close to get me. (Or they love me enough to pretend that they do <3)

Others do not. And, I am beginning to understand today that, that notion is not about me. What it really is about is them. They do not have the mental space, are tired, or generally don’t care about “getting me”. And, that is very much okay. Because, I realize that there are eons of people in the world that i’m that way about. Doesn’t mean they are nuts. or weird, it just means I don’t have the strength to get them at this point.

Maybe next year i’ll have the mental space to “get” them and them me. But, right now I think we are still trying to hang on to life with cat claws. I read what I wrote about the virus last year, omg that was wishful thinking. All the people who have gotten sick my heart and bones bleed for them. I had serious delusions of grander, but that is okay a lot of people did. A lot of people hoped for the best and had the rug yanked out from under them. It will be okay, even if it’s not okay.

In conclusion I think we are all bat cap crazy at least once a day 😉

2020 it!

This is my newest four letter word. And it beats the f— word with a brick and a grenade launcher.

This year started off with me being confined home, which I
did loyally for the first three months. I went no where, talked to no one really and did nothing. Then My uncle Raymond passed, and a week later my aunt Pauline. Suffer no illusion I love these two with all my heart. I had become distant in the last few years because the ache was too much to bear. I thought if I pushed myself away that the loss would be easier. I had been telling myself this since my Grand Mother (Great Grandma) died in 1997. Put distance between them and me good idea right? Wrong, but I digress.

The last of June I decided to go see my mother in law for a few days, she had been my mom longer than my mother was my mom, so I think we were kinda tight. On the way to see her I fell down the stairs, I mean I fell. My back was bruised black purple for a month, my tailbone hurt like crazy and it’s still swollen (it’s december ffs) but, it’s not getting worse and there is nothing that can be done so, I endure.

That brings me to September, David got Covid, I mean he was sick, not hospital sick but sick, I took care of him, and worked at the same time, and by some miracle he was the only one who got sick, and it only lasted a week about the average of a flu. Good right, I thought the worst was quite over, yea tempting fate you know?

In the last of November, my uncle fell, gashed his head, went to the hospital for stitches turns out he had Covid and he did not make it. Yes I loved that man he meant the world to me. He was the closest thing to my mother. He used to tell me stories about her, I didn’t see him as often as I should trying to shield myself from pain like an idiot. It didn’t work I hurt, oh my God did I hurt, it still hurts. During this fiasco my mother in law went in for a bypass. She never came out.

That is devastating, I’m taking a week off work and trying to get myself together. Lord it is not easy, it hurts. I have kept all this pain to myself and talked to VERY VERY few. One of my best friends called me today and made me realize this is a dragon I do not have to slay myself. I am sad, hurt, but really i’m okay. I know i’m going to make it. The only way to the other side is through….

To the people whom I have really not reached out to reading this i’m sorry. I did not want to bug, or over whelm. No, if it was reversed I would not have though that about you, but this is me it’s different right?

I keep coming to Dr Angelou…. Still…. I …. Rise

so my newest cursing/cuss word is 2020!

The Guest List By Lucy Foley

This book is gripping. Rather than being organized on a timeline, it is organized at the murder then moves backwards and then forwards. It might sound difficult to keep up with but, the writer does a superb job keeping it all together. And, yes it is a nail biter, and twists you could not see coming.

It’s a book of divine personal justice, for everyone attached to the plot. Before it is over everyone is changed, scarred as it were for life. The one thing is all but one, makes it out alive.

Secrets, all the characters seem to have too many. Most held because of shame some because of greed. It is a book that will grip you and have you reading its contents in one sitting!

Image courtesy : amazon.com

Book Publisher: William Marrow 2020 Lost and Found Books LTD

Finally it is fall…

I am not talking about pumpkin spice, oh no. I am talking about window open while cuddling under a electric blanket while reading your latest novel, magazine or even watching TikTok or whatever your vice might be.

I love this time of year it’s one where things start to quiet down and everything turns yellow, orange and red. A time to pause before things get nuts with holiday’s. Lately everything I have been reading, seeing and alerted too tell me to take care of myself. I mean everything.

So I suppose I really have to look into this and what it means to me. I really have no freaking idea how to take care of myself other than trusting my instincts, but i’m sure i’ll muddle though and be better for it. Got any ideas? Drop a line and let me know!

Outta my way!

How many times do you get in the own way of your happiness? How about how many times to your trip yourself up on the things you over analyze? Or, then there is kneecapping yourself because you are afraid of what might be around the corner so you don’t even attempt to go around the corner?

As I get closer to my birthday, the more I think about where I wanted to go that I have never been. Last year I put out a list, and because of world events, I didn’t get anywhere. I have gotten a bit healthier, and I have taken better care of my mental health but I see so many places I can approve. Then I stop myself.

Who said I have to be perfect? Who said I have to know where I am going? Isn’t half the fun getting there? Why am I putting myself in a box to where I have to be specific. Why in the wide world can I not be my own mess and be okay with that? As long as I am healthy and reasonably happy isn’t that what the goal of life is? To be as good as you can be? To strive for better BUT! not to overwhelm yourself to the point that you are only concerned with being perfect and you miss how wonderful you are as an individual.

Those things that make me think and wonder why in the H E double LL I do this to myself.

Bleh, time for a plot twist and a paradigm shift!

Rawr… I’d say I have been busy but…

That’s a lie, or is it? I have been very fortunate enough to keep my day job and work from home. I’d like to think that i’m talented and good at what I do, which I am, but I am also extremely, EXTREMELY lucky.

What have you been up to lately? I know at the beginning I was all like running the numbers and trying to convince myself that this pandemic was really nothing to worry about. Now, yea experience tempers us doesn’t it? We look back and see how naive were, or are. We understand that what we thought was tradition, or history, sometimes is a brand of hate.

What do you do with those things that have wonderful memories but are based in hate and oppression? Do you get rid of them? Change everything? Or do you keep the reminders around to remember the lesson? Such a double edged sword. Myself I do not do hate in any form. I accept everyone as they are. Everyone has a level of f upness. I’ve also noticed lately that i’m a hippie. Bohemian, flower loving, etc and so on.

anyway much love from your strange duck,

May 1st

I have not written in a while. Mainly because my mother always said, “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all”. I have been very frustrated with the way thing have been. Let me give you my thinking and then you can pound sand because, this is how I feel :d

1. COVID strains have been around for a very long time. And, most people have at least one strain somewhere in their body. Which means this is nothing new. The problem comes in this is a difficult strain. From my understanding imagine a normal strep infection, this strain would be the drug resistant super bug we hear about all the time.
2. SARS and the Flu seem to be a bigger problem than COVID, they kill more people. Right? If you are a numbers person yes. If you are in healthcare, not so much. This strain this sickness, is amazingly able to take a perfectly healthy person no matter what age and knock them on a ventilator.
3. Everyone is rushing to get a vaccine so we can get back to normal. I urge caution, Slow and steady wins the race fast and rushed you break your leg, or end up killing more people. Just be careful please!!
4. COVID has killed people I love, sickened family members and scared the shit out of me. But, I have decided not to let it rule my life. I don’t want to live in fear. So I will sew me a mask and start living life outside my house.

I really hope everyone reading this is well and good.

A note about Depression

I really don’t know what your life is like, but mine is a bit complicated. I have a chemical imbalance, which makes me very weak to depression. I have to be very very careful. And, since I have this battle and I have found a few things that work for me, maybe they will work for you, while you battle Cabin Fever.

1. Exercise. I have to, HAVE to work out at least once a day, more if I can. When the world was different I used to swim, now I bounce on a ball and Ride an exercise bike.
2. Blog. The more I write on here the better I feel. I take a chance putting my thoughts out there for the world to see, but I find it very positive in my well being. Just getting it out helps. I also Journal.
3. Keep a Planner. Write down what you do so you can reflect and understand you just did not stay in your PJ’s all day.
4. Put your shoes on. Even if you don’t go anywhere. It helps with a mind set.

These are basics, let me know if you have any to add just comment below.

If the shoe fits….

Indeed you should buy it in every color, that is the old adage isn’t it? I think it’s perfect. And, for a break of all the death, chaos, anger , etc, I really am going to talk shoes. Women’s shoes at that.

I have a super love of sneakers, I have probably 10 pairs in assorted styles and colors from Chuks to Air’s, I love something that hugs my feet like a pillow. But, I have also come to the conclusion that after this social aggression, I am going to wear SHOES.

I mean sling back, high heeled, wedged bottom, spiked, kitten toting shoes. And, while i’ve always, always worn black, I’m done with the funeral. I am NOW going to sport some color in my wardrobe (trust me that’s another post), and wear shoes that flatter my ten best little digits.

My Grandma loves shoes, she worked in the Kids assembly lines, then later in the shoe dept of Wal Mart. She had probably hundreds of shoes. 7 to a 7 1/2 (i’m a 7 to 8 1/2 I have a high arch and a wide foot.) was her size, and she indeed had tons of colorful shoes. I want shoes like that, and now it’s time to start getting them.

What are you favorites? What was your mom’s favorites? How about your BFF’s favorites, leave a comment below and let me know EVEN if it is a old pair of Kids. And, where does one get wonderful deals on shoes. I DO have to know!! DISH. spill and DM if you need to!!

Ciao,